Broken Hearts and Obsession
23rd May 2011
Recently I have seen quite a few clients who are finding life really tough due to a relationship ending and not being able to stop thinking about the person they were in love with.
This for some can border on the obsession for some and feels very unhealthy as they can’t get this person out of their heads and will often do anything to get this person back, even if this person really is not good for them at all.
Clients often tell me that when they have a rational moment they can see they are much better off without this person but that can change at any moment and they can desperately want them back.
So what is happening?
In your brain you have a limbic system which is your emotional and survival centre, it is this part of the brain which is causing the problem. For women they can have a larger more sensitive limbic system which is why they can seem more emotional. For men in general they have a smaller limbic system which is why they can see, to switch off their emotions very easily. When you meet someone you have a preference for then you can start to develop a limbic bond with them which is like an attachment due to emotional parts of the limbic system being stimulated. Sex is a great way of deepening a limbic bond with someone as well as body contact such as hugging, cuddling and holding hands. You can also deepen a limbic bond by looking into someone’s eyes for a while. These are great things to do when connecting or wanting to reconnect with someone important to you.
The next step in limbic bonding is fantasising about the future with your new partner and seeing them as a way of fulfilling your dreams. This may include children, home and anything else you dream about having for your future. Women are well known for planning their weddings from a young age and fantasising about their prince coming to take them away from reality and into a love filled amazing life.
Reality is depressing for a lot of people, especially if life somehow has not favoured them with their prince or princess who takes them to their fantasy world. Life is tough and relationships are nothing like the ones people are brainwashed by Hollywood with as people soon begin to find out. People when lonely begin to settle for people who are not good for them or find themselves getting bored of a relationship and life which doesn’t change very much. We all require fresh energy in our lives and this is why relationships and life require variety, otherwise people seek thrills elsewhere and this often leads to issues with their partners. Being lonely can lead to really poor choices when it comes to partners and battles begin to change each other as close to the fantasy version as possible. This is exhausting and there is no winner.
When a relationship ends for whatever reason, the limbic bond for both or one partner can be still very strong and can also get even stronger as the rejection can cause them to want their ex partner even more. This can lead to obsession and people torture themselves with movies of what the ex is doing with other people or a future that pretty much looks like hell. This leads to the limbic system responding irrationally and getting them to try and be safe. Safety of course is being back with what they know and with a future as they fantasised. Reality says this is not likely to happen but they are often desperate and irrational so they cannot see reality in favour of hoping their desperate dream comes true.
What can you do?
Therapy is excellent in weakening the limbic bond causing irrational obsession about someone you can’t seem to get out of your head. I have used IEMT (Integral Eye Movement Therapy) to help break down the emotional intensity experienced when thinking about the person in question. Combining this with some other techniques can start to weaken the bond and help you think and feel more rational and more relaxed when you think of your ex.. Another important factor we focus on is how your mind perceives the future which may be causing a fearful response which tries to be soothed by thinking about being back with your ex.
It is a tough experience to go through and therapy can help you explore and grow your self esteem, confidence and inner strength so you can make more objectionable choices when it comes to partners. Often we get intuitive messages we can choose to listen to or ignore when it comes to prospective partners and maybe now is the time to develop the confidence and strength to listen. Your future may depend on it. All too often I see people who have in their eyes wasted years trying to make their relationship work when in reality they should have left a long time ago. This is especially true for people who want children and find their body clock is running out of time due to living in hope their partner would change and years later it has not happened.
If you would like help with relationship issues or thoughts which seem irrational and obessional then please contact me and let’s have a chat.