Loving Negativity
Loving Negativity
Years ago I had a very different life to the one I have now. I had a career which I hated but it paid me a lot of money, I was in a relationship which I knew deep down wasn't right but didn't want to leave "just in case it changed for the better" and I lived in a tiny little flat with not much room at all. I wanted more out of life and felt I deserved more, but was so unsure of how to get it and was in denial about what direction to go in. The fear within me would hold me back quite nicely so I was actually miserable despite the smiley mask I showed everyone.
My life sort of felt stable though and that was good enough for now. Wasn't it?
Nope.
However, a series of unexpected events meant that the rug was well and truly pulled from under my feet, and my world was then changed forever.
No job, no money, no relationship and no home. I won't go into details of what happened but it felt like it was a major rejection of me and that was horrendously painful to experience. Down into the pit of despair I sank for a while and then it began to change.
I now look back and am very thankful that it did happen, despite the pain, as what happened next was just brilliant. The pain forced me to become more resourceful, stronger, and wiser in my bid to change the hurt inside and also the dire circumstances I found myself in. I took risks, I became more assertive and I took the time to understand more about myself and my life. This resulted in a life which I just love and circumstances which just make me smile as I now live quite an amazing life.
So how do I view possible rejection now?
Whilst I know it bloody hurts, I also know there are benefits I am not aware of yet as the pain will help me look for what to do next, and to explore possibilities and potential, and gain more strength, resources and knowledge. I no longer fear rejection the same way as I did before. I use its fear to ensure I do my best to not fail, and if I do in some way, I use the pain as a message "to do something different". Looking back at all the negativity that I can remember, I can list how I gained from each experience and how that still continues. Negativity has never been the same since.
Negativity is a simple message "to do something different". It is like an email popping up and once read we can delete as we look for that something different to do. Eventually it's hard to say whether the email was negative or positive as it becomes a bit of a grey area as perspectives of the message can change all the time.
Anxiety, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, jealousy and depression are all emails reminding you to do something different. What could it be?
The positive thinking brigade are in danger of suppressing their thoughts for happy thoughts under the illusion they will become happier, wealthier people if they do, and yet the negativity they suppress waits like a sleeping volcano to erupt and they wonder where it all went wrong.
I now love and appreciate negativity as much as I do positivity as both reward my life greatly. By thinking about negativity this way the fear is greatly reduced and has less of a toxic effect on my brain and body. I also take more risks now, knowing that whatever happens will happen and I will deal with it, my childlike part which feared rejection and negativity has grown up and now being an adult will reap the rewards from what comes next.
Exploring the benefits of negativity has been very enlightening for clients as they look at their pasts and futures and begin to see them in a different way. One client said "I did this with rejection and I can't wait to just get on with my life now, instead of procrastinating through fear!" A few months later and the changes they made were incredible, all because fear was now being worked with in a different way.
Here's a great way of working with negativity to see how you benefit
Just like my experience, choose 3 or more negative situations from the past and one by one go through how you have benefited from each one.
Now choose 3 or more negative situations you fear happening in your future. Is there something you fear being rejected from? How would you benefit if the rejection happened? Get creative!
Make it habitual to explore the definite and possible benefits from negativity and see what happens from there.
Rejection is Brilliant
The Brilliance of Rejection!
A man with a machete looking angrily at you is dangerous
A crocodile eyeing you up for lunch is dangerous
A car out of control coming towards you is dangerous
Your brain will kick in the adrenaline fuelled process fight or flight if any of these happen and you power diverted from your brain, digestive system, immune system and other important functions sent to your arms and legs to tackle the danger or run as fast as possible.
This system has kept our species multiplying and thriving as we evolve.
The thing is now what we are becoming more socially complex we are have developed deep fears not only from real danger but also from experiences which will risk how we feel.
The fear of rejection holds people back in countless ways. Dreams remain unfulfilled, people stay poor in so many areas of their lives, possibilities and potential are wasted and the list goes on.
I even hear people make excuses to why they are running away from an experience with stories of "not the right time" "destiny must be calling me elsewhere" "How do you know I'm not supposed to hold myself back as a soul purpose?" The best excuses are the ones where people make up all sorts of fantasies about the future where they claim these stories will come true and have to be avoided at all cost.
A load of old balls really as these are just lies to avoid experiencing emotions which feel uncomfortable.
So let's grow up and work on the self realisation that rejection whilst it might feel uncomfortable doesn't actually kill or maim you in any way. Yes it doesn't feel pleasant at first but that soon goes away. Maybe you can assist the feelings that come with rejection by realising that the brilliant things we all love so much in life were all created through rejection and they continue to evolve through people thinking that they could be better and therefore rejecting their current form.
Rejection can lead us to become more resourceful, stronger, wiser, to think outside the box, create more opportunities and create a life which we would never have dreamed of. I look back at all the rejections that have happened and I am thankful for experiencing them as it made me look at other ways to live and that has led to the amazing life I have now. I no longer fear rejection, as soon as it happens my mind is now thinking "what will I get from this and where will it lead?"
As one client mentioned to me "I wouldn't have my husband and the happiness that came with that if I hadn't been rejected by my ex husband."
Think back on rejections you had in the past. Where has it led you? What do you have now in your life through rejection? Did you take advantage of the rejection so it was not wasted?
Instead of fearing rejection, welcome it as a resourceful experience which you will gain a lot from. The opportunities become endless and this is what lucky, charmed, happy and successful people do naturally.
You can learn to do it naturally too through instantly reminding yourself when at risk from rejection that you will benefit hugely and just go ahead with it whatever you are doing.
If the mind tries the old future fantasy routine, then remind yourself that you are making it up and no matter how it feels, it is a lie as it has not happened yet.
If you need extra help with this then contact me for a session on how to embrace rejection!!
Emotional Resistance is Futile.....
As the Borg like to remind the planets or ships they invade in the Star Trek series "Resistance is futile" what us humans resist within our lives tends to persist. Working with clients all these years has shown me how brilliant it would be if we were shown how to handle emotions. It seems that from a young age we are greatly confused by parents, teachers or other adult influences not to cry, feel anger or anything else when feeling upset, later we are told not to bottle it up and to let it all out. No wonder then that clients come to me with programmed responses which are not helpful when handling how they feel. How often have you felt an emotion arising within you and you have started to resist experiencing it only for it to get worse and drag on for hours, days and even in some cases weeks, months and years?
What happens for so many people is that they begin to fear experiencing an emotion so much that their life becomes ruled by trying to avoid feeling an emotion which their minds are now perceiving as so dangerous that the flight or fight response begins to kick in often creating panic attacks, anxiety and depression if left unchecked.
Common emotions / feelings people try to resist and avoid are:
Rejection
Loneliness
Boredom
Frustration
Fear
Guilt
Anger
Resisting emotions creates a battle within and this inner conflict creates a whole range of toxic chemicals which your mind and body create to deal with this situation and over time can to lead to feeling exhausted, dissociated with life, feeling over emotional, sensitive and feeling on the edge. If you find yourself saying "I should'nt be feeling this," then you are not accepting what is happening right now.
What you can do if this applies to you is to learn to not fear experiencing emotions, as they are just that...an emotion. The Borg feared emotions and also saw them as weak but then again they would not get to experience the wonders of passion, joy, excitement and love. Emotions and feelings come and if left to complete their cycle will pass. Just imagine not fearing rejection! You can also learn to experience the world in a way which reduces unhelpful emotions rising as your new perspectives create a helpful response instead. Life feels much easier when not burdened with an over sensitive and emotional states of mind.
Some tips to think about when it comes to experiencing emotions:
When you feel an uncomfortable emotion arising, allow yourself to experience it by simply exploring how it feels. Where do you feel that emotion? How strong is it? What happens when you explore it with each out breath?
Is the emotion based on a future prediction? Are you fortune telling? Is it 100% true that it will happen? What other possibilties could happen which you would prefer? What can you do right now to help this? If nothing then what could you focus your attention on instead?
What is the bigger picture about this emotion? Explore all possibilities linked to it by creating a map with the emotion in the centre and link each possibility to it. For example. Feeling rejected as you might not have heard back from someone. Are they busy? Did they get your message? Are they waiting until an appropriate time to talk to you?
Are you making the situation about you when it is actually someone elses problem?
Breath into the emotion and allow it to transform through it's natural cycle.
Most importantly if you find the emotions too painful or hard to deal with then go see someone who can help. I see therapy as a sort of coaching on the stuff we should have been taught but instead have been left to our own devizes on.
Trying to hold onto emotions is also creating resistance. Many people try to recreat happiness over and over and that certainly becomes futile as that is exhausting going from one fix to the next.
Life is too short to keep battling how you feel within and there is no winner in that war.
Training to be allergic
It is that time of year again where people start complaining about symptoms of runny eyes, sneezing, sore throat and itchy skin. They blame various things for their symptoms including pollen, dust mites, cat hair and now volcanic ash. Some new age and natural health forum sites are full of people saying that they can feel symptoms increasing due to the volcanic ash now in the air.
Powerful suggestions in the media and on these natural health sites are telling people what symptoms to expect and guess what?? They do!
Studies over and over have shown that when we expect to or think we will have symptoms from something that may cause an allergic reaction, we begin to develop them. People in some studies were exposed to a spray with a toxin which they then were told would cause rashes, sneezing, runny eyes, nose and sore throats. Suddenly the sneezing started, hives, rashes and other symptoms followed which increased by the minute. Another spray was introduced and they wee told this would counteract the allergic reaction and sure enough it did with people in the study feeling better very quickly.
Both sprays were just water and the scientists were studying the Nocebo effect which is the manifestion of negative symptoms through being exposed to a substance which would have no effect unless there is a pessmistic or negative belief that it will do so.
Our minds are so powerful and really do create what we focus our attention onto.
You can remove these old patterns of belief through various techniques and I treated my own allergy to pollen through self hypnosis, NLP and EFT a while a go. Sometimes the mind thinks it's phobic to a substance when it simply is not. I have treated lots of clients to let go of beliefs like this so they can enjoy the outdoors, foods, pets or whatever they feel allergic too.
So if you notice powerful suggestions that you will experience a negative reaction, be aware that you do not have to and could do something about those symptoms by using the power of your mind.
Another poweful suggestion by the way is how hard it will be to let go of habits like smoking, this is training the mind to act that way when it comes to thinking about letting it go. No wonder some people find it so hard to let habits go when they tell themselves it will be near impossible to do so.
You can train your mind to release those brain patterns which hold you back and create new ones which make life a lot easier!
Brighton Marathon 2010
It was great to see Brighton smiling on Sunday as Brightons first marathon took place on a gorgeous sunny day. They estimate that around 80,000 people came to support the 12,000 runners that took on the challenge of running 26 miles around our wonderful city. What seemed to surprise a lot of people was the level of support shown for the runners with many Facebook comments proudly updating that this was the best day ever for Brightonians and visitors to come together and have fun supporting the people taking part. Music filled the air, commentators over speakers encouraged the runners to keep on going and we all clapped and cheered as they ran on by. Events like this bring people together and creates a wonderful energy and spirit for the city, let us hope there are a lot more!. The rest of the day you could see Hove lawns filled with people enjoying themselves and celebrating their friends and families achievements and I am sure people partied long into the night (whilst most runners went to bed LOL). Brighton is an amazing city and really comes into it's own when events like this are held. I wonder how many people from Brighton will take up the challenge next year?
